Oh Lord,
Why. Why. Why do I DO this? Why am I LIKE this? Sometimes I don't understand, sometimes I think I understand, but I don't know. Not for certain. A good bit of the time, I despise myself. Hate what I do. Is this me? Or is this un-me? I know...in the end...everything should be all right. But still...I can't even think of what to say. Just, why. I have a lot of questions, and I feel like You want me to both ask and answer them. There is so much to say.
I am being drawn in two different directions. I am a classic case of someone who is trying to serve two masters. Really, I can see and hear it in my head. An epic battle. Even while I am consciously sinning, I have praise songs going through my head. It's terrible, and it makes me feel awful. The thing is, I know I can do better. I know I have the power, no, that You are giving me the power to fight this, yet I don't accept it. Because there is still a part of me that wants to sin. Yes, wants to serve that other master. And that saddens me and kills me to the core. It seems so simple. The answer is right in front of me. What I should do. Yet I am human, the flesh is weak, my will is unwilling to fight, to do what is right. They are lame excuses, yet are true as well. I don't know if I'm not trying hard enough or something. I get friends who can hold me accountable, I make playlists with songs that speak good messages to me, I am involved with spiritual life on campus, yet...it's not enough. If anything, these things make me feel worse, like I should be doing better because of them yet I don't, which fills me with shame. Maybe I'm not putting enough trust in You. I really don't know what I can do. I've always said I'd keep fighting, and I guess I am. Yet, it's hard to see if there's any improvement at all.
I think, deep down...no. I know, deep down, I want to truly live a life for You. I want to live a life, selfless, full of love and full of You. Sometimes I get scared. If I were to die today, how would you judge me. Although I know that no one is worthy of your love, I feel that I especially am not worthy of forgiveness. This sin is dividing me from You. And that's why it's bad. And that's why it's sin. Theologians and conservatives can argue what they will, but in my eyes, it is just keeping me further from You. And that's why it's bad and wrong.
This may be a dark spot to start blogging in, but that's what drove me to do it. I needed to actualize my struggles and face them in a new way. I don't know if this will do anything, but I need to try.
I am truly saddened, ashamed, and sorry right now. I long for the times when I can be blissfully ignorant. I want to just be full of You, full of love. To see things with new eyes and not judge others. Lord, right now I pray two thing. That you would give me the strength and will to fight my sin and to fill me with love that I may live a life of praise for you. Lord, bless my enemies and bless the ones I love. Be with them. I pray this in Your Son's name,
Amen
